So often in our society we unwillingly accept more responsibility, more possessions and more obligations. At our jobs we continually volunteer for more responsibility in hopes that it will lead to more visibility or a faster promotion. We may feel that the more expensive things we accumulate the better we will look to others. To gain a sense of inclusion and involvement, we participant in more social groups, sports teams and professional training than our calendars can handle. I say enough is enough.
We should start to say no. “No” to having more duties at work when we don’t have additional capacity. “No” to continuing to collect needless possessions when we have more than enough already. “No” to planned events every night of the week just to stay busy. Life can be hectic and stressful enough already with what is currently going on in our lives, there has to be a good reason to add to it.
In So Many Words
It is not easy to say no in a culture full of yes. Other people may initially feel put off by you saying no, so an explanation is sometimes needed. Saying that you just don’t have the time for something is the simple way out and doesn’t get to the real reason you are saying no.
You are saying no to simplify your life, have less commitments and to increase the focus you can have towards what is most important to you. What you would say would depend on what the specific situation requires, but phrasing your responses correctly can ease the harshness of your refusal to do something. Try to focus on the positive of what saying no can allow you do instead of the negative.
Start by saying “Thank you for the offer, but…”:
- I am working to increase the quality of my current work statement.
- I am applying the 80/20 Rule to achieve more focused results.
- I am on a mission to simplify and improve my existing processes.
- I am focusing on spending more time on what interests me most.
- I don’t have the capacity in my schedule for that right now.
What to Say No To
There are all sorts of things to decline your commitment to. You can start to say no at work, at home and to friends. I’m not advocating that you eliminate everything you do or obligations that you enjoy. I just think you should simplify your calendar and focus on certain areas a bit. Here are some examples of what you can say no to.
- Additional responsibilities at work when you are already working overtime.
- A job offer that isn’t for what you really want to be doing.
- Social events that keep you from spending time with your family.
- Friends that are a bad influence on your life.
- Outings with friends that you can’t afford to go on.
- Unnecessary arguing with your family or spouse.
When you begin to say no to more things in your life you will begin to have more time in the day for yourself and others. With this added time you can now do what you always wish you had time for; exercise, reading or any other hobby. Once I started saying no and created more time for myself to focus on what is most important to me I was much happier, had less stress and increased my productivity.
Why not vow to yourself that you will say no at least once a day? It will get easier the more you do it and allow you to have more time in your day to do what you love.
(A great resource for learning how to say no to more commitments is the free eBook Focus from Leo Babauta. I highly recommend reading it if you want to have less stress in your professional and personal life.)
Who do you have trouble saying no to? Your boss? Your family? Your friends? Let me know in the comments below why it is so hard and how you are going to say no to something today.
(image from dbdbrobot via Flickr CC 2.0)
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Hey Caleb, great post. I agree with all of it, except for one thing - you’ve got to make the time to have that occasional argument with your spouse, otherwise you’ll end up wasting a lot more time with the bigger fights that come later.
Great point. I’ll change it to say “Unneccessary arguing…” since that was my initial meaning.
Don’t want little disagreements to turn into big fights later!
Thanks for such a relevant post. In this age if overload, I think everyone struggles with time scarcity. I find that it can be difficult to say no gracefully so that the asker isn’t offended. Anyone have suggestions on that?
I think that if you focus on the positives of what you are able to do with the extra time or energy in your day the other party will begin to understand the benefits.
Be precise about why you are saying no and that you aren’t doing it because you can’t give 100%.
Hi Caleb,
Great post, lots of important tips to remember!
I guess the biggest reason when it comes to saying “no” and why people are having hard time saying it, is because of the guilt and shame - they don’t want to let down the person who is asking for a favor.
I rather want to think it like this - if one person has a right to ask me to do something, I have the equal right to say no (naturally, this depends of the situation what I answer).
It is our right to say no and be selfish
I agree. You have the right to say no when someone asks you to do something. Even going from saying yes 95% of the time to just 75% of the time will free up capacity.
Caleb, you definitely highlighted many areas where people far too often succumb to saying yes, when in fact they should be saying no. Specifically in the workplace, as I have had many experiences with this particular topic as a live-in caregiver (aupair.)
Extra hours, more responsibility, or more work around the house.
I believe it goes beyond believing you will get a raise or promotion, but I feel as if at times people feel their job is on the line if they say no. Case in point, I’ve felt that way! I took on so much extra work because I felt pressured into it and it wasn’t until I took on too much that I finally said no.
Thanks for reminding me it’s okay to say no!
I went through a similar situation. By saying yes and continuing to pile work on my plate it became a detriment to the quality of work I was able to provide to my customers and increased the level of stress.
A very timely post, Caleb. Just today I got a call from one of the biggest cultural centers in the city, “inviting” me to become a member. The woman who called was so nice that I didn’t want to say no. So I said maybe. She asked if she could call again in a week. That I said yes to. I shouldn’t have. I need less of this sort of thing, not more. I need to avoid even the little bit of paperwork that a simple transaction like this would bring. There’s not even time to focus on the benefits of membership and how to access them. These may sound like pretty insignificant concerns, but they’e not, because the more things like this one says yes to, the greater cumulative drain. I’m O.K. with the level and scope of my charitable giving at this point, so there’s no guilt. I just need to remember to say no right off the bat. Thanks for the reminder. Great post! Very well written. Susan
A perfect example Susan! If you can’t give something your all or would regret your involvement in something then saying no is often the best course of action.
Start by saying, “Thank you for the offer. . .”
That’s class. I like it. And I’ll use it.
Thanks, Caleb!
Great post, saying yes to one thing can sometimes mean saying no to others!
-MBM
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